Sarcasti-chemistry.

My professor is so lucky I'm tactful.
When asked to list a real-world uses for various elements, these are my initial responses:
Lead: Paint.
Calcium: The bones in my backyard. ¹
Carbon: Footprint. (Next reaction: Freezing Han Solo.²)
Oxygen: Breathing. Or the lack thereof.
Iron: Pumping.
Tin: Cans.
Mercury: Poisoning.
Silicon: Breast implants.

My computations have also lead me to the conclusion that Erlenmeyer flasks have a negative mass.
I'm also capable of bending the laws of physics: I put 142L of water in a 125mL flask.

Also, a final chemistry tidbit:

1. There are no bones in my yard. In fact, I have no yard.
2. Did you know that there is a type of trilobite by the name of Han Solo? It's a member of the agnostida family, all of whom are religiously confused.